Impossible Things – Updated!

I owe credit to @canonicalbabble again for making me realize I should probably check back in on this little list. Here’s my updates of what I’ve done so far, what I’m working and what I need to work on.

Bold – Done!

Italic – Working on it

Blue - Uhh, oh yeah that was on my list wasn’t it…
101 Goals in 1001 Days:

My Body:
1. Use my Wii Fit daily – I used it for the first time in 340 days Tuesday, and haven’t used it since then…sigh
2. Take the dog for a walk on nice days – We are currently in freezing temps and snowy weather, if I’m realistic, I’m not walking the dog on a regular basis until Spring.
3. Eat more fruit/veggies – This has been going well for me so far, I’ve been eating more fruits/veggies and ordering more salads if/when we go out places. I’m happy with my progress here
4. Get at least 6 hours of sleep each night – This has also been going fairly well for me. There have only been a handful of days that haven’t yielded 6+hrs of sleep
5. Cook Healthier meals – Thanks to some wonderful online resources (Kitchen Parade and Liz Brooks at Easy Meals Examiner) and my new subscription to Cooking Light I’ve been able to make things at home that are much healthier than we used to eat.
6. Lose as much of the 70lbs I need to as I can – I’ve made no real effort here and I fully admit, if I had to grade myself, I’d get a big fat “F”. I’m only down about 3lbs from where I was when I originally wrote this. Time to step up!
7. Maintain what I lose - Since I’ve only lost 3lbs, it hasn’t been that difficult, but I will continue to maintain whatever I end up losing, somehow…
8. Fit into my dress from H.S. – See #’s 6 and 7 above, obviously this needs work.
9. Limit my pop intake to 2 per week – I did really well with this for a while and have let is slide again. Back to water!
10. Eat oatmeal for breakfast at least 3 times a week – Again this is something I was really good about for a month or so and totally fell off the wagon on.
11. Do more than 10 pushups – I still don’t know how many I can do, hang on a second….okay, I can do 5, so I’m half-way there!
12. Run a mile – When I used my Wii Fit the other day I ran, not even close to a mile, but it’s a start. Now I just have to keep practicing!
13. Go on 5 bike rides – Okay, so I won’t be pulling my bike out any time soon and I’ve completed zero of the five rides I wanted to. Guess that means I have a few rides ahead of me this summer!
14. Think before I eat – I have been doing a good job of this, mostly because of some health issues I’ve had recently, but it was a jump start in the right direction.
15. Walk through my town – Again, it’s winter and freezing cold, we’ll see if I make it this spring

My Mind:
1. Try to keep a positive attitude – 2 months and counting I’ve been  much more positive every day. And you know what, it feels good.
2. Laugh at least 1 time per day – I laugh a LOT more than I used to and probably more than once a day.
3. Breathe – #1 and #2 have been helping keep this one in check.
4. Set aside 15 minutes everyday for myself - When I get home (after taking care of the animals) I have time to myself every day, usually more than 15 minutes.
5. Watch no more than 2hrs of t.v in a day – We were bad for a while and now we’re doing much better. Just last night we played board/card games instead of watching t.v.
6. Take a class – I haven’t even researched anything about this. I really need to fix that.
7. Research going back to school – If I haven’t researched taking a single class yet, obviously I haven’t researched going to school.
8. Start writing poetry again – 1 poem written, but I really can’t force myself to do this one, it has to be when the mood strikes.
9. Do my Vision Board – Short of making this list I’ve made no progress on my “vision” of where I want to be.
10. Make a Vlog – I actually totally forgot this one was on my list all together….where’s my iSight?
11. Let my husband buy me/pick out an outfit - I won’t be buying new clothes any time soon (see financial stuff below), so this one’s going to have to wait I think.
12. Learn to take a compliment – I’ve become much more gracious when people pay me a compliment. Simply saying thank-you is much easier than assuming they are just being nice.
13. Believe every day that the impossible is possible if you put your mind to it – I still have to repeat this several times.
14. Take more pictures – My camera is currently full of pictures I’ve yet to upload, but I have made great strides in this.
15. Finish my art projects – I’ve still got a couple on my list, but I’ve also checked a few off!
16. Share more on my blog – Since I haven’t been very good about blogging at all, this is very lacking.
17. Kiss my husband goodnight – every night
18. Always say I love you when we part – This is something I’m already in the habit of doing, but I need to remind myself that even if we’re unhappy with one another, I will ALWAYS love him
19. Share some of my poetry – I need to dig those notebooks out and start sharing them with people

Entertainment:
1. Read 12 books – Only 2 done, but I think now that the Holidays are over I can start up in full swing again!

• Mommywood
• Five Love Languages

2. Get a Library Card – This will aid me in the above
3. Go on 3 camping trips – Three down!! And we have another one planned for this summer!
4. Go to Cedar Point – Hubby and I went for our 1 year Anniversary this year – I want to go again!
5. Meet 1 of my “Twitter Friends” in real life – If Ms. @JellieBraden makes her way to IL this will be done at the end of the month!
6. Create my own website for my blog/photos – Obviously the site is up and working, now to just get those pictures linked.
7. Maintain my site – New banner is up, new pages created and blog post (which I need to do more frequently).
8. Watch 1 new movie a month – I started out strong and then fell flat – time to start again!

• Shop Girl
• He’s Just Not That Into You
• Lars and the Real Girl
• You’ve Got Mail

9. Take a road trip – We road tripped to Cedar Point – yay for getting two things done with one trip!
10. Take a vacation with my Brother/Sister(to be) – With a Graduate Program in the works currently, this one will probably have to wait until 2011, but I’m okay with that!
11. Host 3 game nights – One down, two to go!
12. Spend time with my ‘girlfriends” at least every other month – I see some more than others, but I think this is also going pretty well
13. Start saving for a trip to Seattle – nothing saved for a vacation.
14. Spend a long weekend in Michigan – See #13. Maybe we’ll get there….
15. Plan a trip to Canada – My Hubby found a job listing for Vancouver, but that’s the closest we’ve come to making it across the border
16. Get our Passports – I don’t have one and who knows when we’ll decide to fly off somewhere out of the country, lol
17. Visit the Art Museum in Chicago – I’ve lived in the suburbs my entire life and have NEVER been – what is wrong with me?
18. Visit the Shedd Aquarium – On our Anniversary weekend we finished our trip w/a visit to the Shedd!
19. See a play – not sure which one, but it’s something I enjoy doing
20. See a Cubs game – it’s an expensive thing to do and a long day, but there’s nothing like a day at Wrigley Field, especially when they win!
21. See a football game – Not only did I get to go to an NFL football game, I got to see a game I never thought I would. Bears vs. Packers (GO PACK GO)
22. Attend our local town festival – we were camping last year when it happened, I would still like to get there.

Family:
1. Visit my grandpa/aunt in FL at least once – I don’t see them often at all and I need to make an effort to. My grandma passed away and it had been years since I had seen her.
2. Visit my grandparents in IL at least 4 times – We’ve seen them once since I posted this in July….unacceptable!
3. Visit grammy at least 3 times – 2 times so far, but with recent events, I think we may need to bump this up a bit anyway
4. Visit Bob and Pam at least 3 times – 1 time so far, and we’ve seen them more than that, but I still think making a drive to Galena shouldn’t be a problem, tho being invited first would be nice.
5. Visit Mom and Bob at least 3 times – we’ve seen them quite a few times, but there’s no need to call this one done, they’re my hubby’s parents after all.
6. Start our family – I’m calling this in progress because we’ve had many discussions about it, have a tentative “start trying” time and are discussing options regarding birth/raising our future children
7. Take more pictures together – As goofy and by hubby thinks I am for wanting to squish ourselves together for picture when we go somewhere, I appreciate that he is playing along….so far.
8. Spend at least 1 night/day with Doug & Heather a month – it actually feels almost too long if we only see them once a month.
9. Spend time with Chris at least once a month – Now that B works with him and he’s gaming with us, this happens regularly.

Misc.:
1. Finish at least 2 more scrapbooks – Rocky, Leela, Bachelorette Party and Honeymoon – ALL DONE! I still have a lot to do though.
2. Get my paper filing organized – I went on a shredding binge a while back and cleaned out a bunch of it, though it still needs some work
3. Continue to go through my closet/house and donate what we are not using – I’ve got a trunk full of stuff on its way to GoodWill
4. Try 10 new foods -3 of 10 so far.
5. Use the fresh herbs I’m growing – Planted them, grew them and ate them! And I’ll be doing it again this year
6. Get Brian to try 3 new foods – 2 of 3 so far, that’s BIG progress for him!
7. Own a kitten/cat - I love my little Leela girl!
8. Go on at least 1 date a month with my husband – we’ve started date night in every week and we’ve been pretty darn consistent with it. I think it’s helped us stay more connected as a couple too.
9. Try a new recipe a month – I’m making great strides in this since we are having more home-cooked meals!

• Brand new Chili recipe 8/25/09 (and it was good!)
• Chocolate Chip Muffins
• Macaroni and Cheese
• Chicken Cider Stew
• Cheeseburger Casserole
• French Bread
• Ham and Cheese Tarts
• Fudge
• Pulled Pork
• Pot Roast

House
1. Paint the remainder of the rooms in the house – two rooms left that I *need* to paint and the loft/stairway that isn’t a huge deal. I’ve got colors picked out for everything, so it’ll just be buying the paint and applying it!

2. Install blinds on the remaining windows – 2 rooms done  so far
3. Complete a “built-in” desk in the office for 2 – This is on hold until my pickier hubby and I can decide what we really want and have a budget for it.
4. Install our own fence – I think we’ve agreed to wait until we have little ones running around to worry about this, if it gets done sooner great, if not, oh well.
5. Get paver brick patio installed – that’s the plan for this spring!
6. Grow veggies and eat them – I ended up with tomatoes this year and I ate them!
7. Purchase a flat screen t.v. – We’ve agreed that until our old t.v. bites the dust we don’t need this, so again, if it happens great, if not, oh well.
8. Visit a farmer’s market – visited the local one with my awesome sister-in-law (to be). Can’t wait to go again this year.

9. Create a chore routine – it’s created, but we haven’t really stuck to it. Time to work on that.

10. Plant flowers in my flower beds – All of the beds have plants/flowers in them. We’ll see if they come up in the spring!

11. Meet my neighbors – took them cookies when they moved in!
12. Hang icicle lights on the gutters – my Hubby was nice enough to humor me this year and got them all put up for me.
13. Convince Hubby that an outdoor fireplace IS a good idea and then make it happen
14. Get a new patio furniture set – I think a paint job on our old set is about all the progress we’ll be making toward a new one this year

Finances:
1. Have enough money in the savings account to “live” for 6 months – currently working on this
2. Have enough money to take a vacation – no vacation until #1 is completed.
3. Start our child’s college fund – see #1
4. Payoff all of our credit card debt – We started to tackle this and then let it slide, time to get serious!
6. Start a retirement fund – We are both currently participating in our employers retirement plans
7. Payoff Brian’s car – we’re making progress monthly, though I’m not sure it’ll be done by the time this is supposed to be.
8. Payoff My car – See #8
9. Set a monthly budget for groceries/entertainment/clothes and STICK TO IT -  Currently failing at this!
10. Cut coupons and USE them – this is something I did and then stopped and am starting again
11. Sell the rest of my “collectables” on either ebay or craigslist – I have one item left that I’d really like to get rid of
12. Find a way to either increase our income or decrease some of our spending - we are re-evaluating this all the time it’s a constant work in progress
13. Research ways to work from home once we start our family – At this point working from home won’t be an option for me, but I’ve always got my eyes open.

There’s a lot more blue on this list than I wanted to see, but the only thing that’s going to change it is to start being more serious about it.

My end date for this project is April 11, 2012. The website if you want to check it out is DayZeroProject.

Take the Turkey out of the Oven!

Liz Brooks (Easy Meals Examiner) a.k.a. @beefamily on Twitter, is giving away a Ginny’s electric roaster to one lucky winner! I’ve used one before and have to tell you, it’s a HUGE oven space saver. If you’re wondering how you’ll fit the turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes and rolls in your oven so they are all ready at the same time, this is a great help! It takes the turkey out of the oven and leaves you the space you’ll need for the rest of the Thanksgiving fixings. It’s also great for hams, chickens and keeping Italian beef for a large crowd warm (trust me on that one!).

Liz also shares wonderful recipes for quick and easy meals. You HAVE to try her Macaroni and Cheese recipe, you’ll never buy boxed again (and the leftovers reheat wonderfully). If you are the kind of person who likes to see pictures of the steps along the way in the meal making process, she’s got it covered. Liz shows tutorial pictures with each recipe and, for people like me, it’s an excellent way to check your progress and make sure it looks like it should .

I’m hoping to be lucky enough to win the roaster, especially so I can try out her turkey recipe, but I also want all of you to give her recipes a try and SPREAD THE WORD!!! If you try one out, post a comment here and let me know what you think, but also make sure to let Liz know!

The trouble with technologically dependent society…

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and she said something that’s been on my mind ever since. We were talking about babies and how the birthing process has changed over the years. She used to work in a hospital in Holland and was telling me how they never used pain medication, it wasn’t even offered to patients when she worked there and they only did surgery when it was a life/death situation.

I was recently upset to learn that my new doctor, who I started going to specifically BECAUSE of her delivery method, is no longer going to be delivering babies. She was the last one in our area that believed in Natural Child Birth. Something that is important to me. I was informed by her office that, if I wanted to stay local, my only option now would be to have a midwife deliver at home. While I’m not totally opposed to that, since we live 10 minutes from the closest hospital, I was (am) still upset that she won’t be doing the delivery.

As I thought about this, I pulled more piece together. Four people I know were all pregnant and due relatively close to each other. The first, was going to have a natural childbirth, but I later found out ended up having a c-section due to complications. The next, ended up having a c-section. Then 2 more, within days of each other, 20 hours into labor, ended up having c-sections. Does anyone manage a natural labor anymore? Or do you get to a certain point in the delivery process and the doctors just make the call for you?

Being so pro-natural birth, I’m really bothered and actually worried about having a child. Since I will be new to this, when we eventually get pregnant, I’m nervous that I won’t have a choice about the birthing experience. I don’t want an epidural, I don’t want to be in labor and have someone tell me my time’s up (unless there’s a problem that requires medical intervention), I want to make the choices that feel right for me, my baby and my body. Do we rely too much on technology? Have we reached a point where we can’t even birth our own children anymore?

As He Dreams

As he dreams here beside me, I fall in love again.
As his gentle breaths remind me, of where it all began.
My lover sleeps beside me, my confidant, my friend.
My soul mate lays beside me, and I hope this never ends.

10 Honest Things

I was tagged (over a month ago) by @NikolSpencer to do my 10 Honest Things. This is a tough one for me, I’m trying not to pick really obvious things that everyone who knows me will already know. Anyway, here goes…

The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, someone brilliant.

1. I regret on a regular basis, not going away to college after graduating. I had intentions of doing it, I was going to work for a year and save up some money and then go to school. I’ve been working full time for 9 years now and never followed through on going to school.

2. I am a romantic soul – I hide behind other things a lot of the time, but deep down runs a romantic chord. I love poetry, sunsets, holding hands, kisses on the forehead and when my husband calls me “Darling”.

3. I believe in love at first sight. Even if you don’t realize that’s what it is. It took me 7 years to realize I was in love, but there was a sign from day one.

4. A log cabin home is my dream. Log cabin on the outside, more modern on the inside, overlooking a lake and secluded for miles from everyone. Someday we’ll build it and we’ll live there, I believe it’s true. Of course we’ll have internet and t.v., but the scenery will be breathtaking.

5. There is a wanna be photographer living inside of me. When I’m behind my point & shoot I’m happy and feel more artistic than I probably am, but I’m okay with that.

6. I sing at the top of my lungs when I drive in my car, sit at my desk at home or take a shower (my hubby is the only audience I ever have). I don’t care if I sound good or not, it’s a release for me and when I’m stressed it helps calm me, especially country music. A life without music is not one for me.

7. I was teased mercilessly in grade school, middle school and my Freshman year of High School. I developed before other girls and was heavier than almost everyone in my classes.  I still deal daily with my self consciousness and struggle when I look in the mirror. It’s something that will probably haunt me forever.

8. My ex cheated on me 6 months after we started dating and I found out from a girl who didn’t even like me who saw it happen. We dated for 4 1/2 years and I never forgave him for it, part of me believes to this day that it had a large hand in the demise of our relationship. I should have walked away and known better.

9. I’ve had names picked out for my children since I was 18. I feel like I’ve always had that motherly instinct and can not wait for the day I get to have a pregnant belly, give birth and hold my own child in my arms.

10. I’ve wanted to be a journalist, interior designer, photographer, grade school teacher and chef. I’m none of these things and now I have no idea what I want to be.

I’m sure most everyone I follow has already done their 10 Honest Things, but I’m giving a shout out to @Fleurdeleigh, @RiaSharon, @ZenMommy, @MissIve and @CanonicalBabble. If you read this and haven’t done one yet, please do (and let me know), I’m interested in getting to know all of you a little better.

Updated to add link to @NikolSpencer’s 10 Honest Things.

Love at First Sight

Someone has asked for my “love story” with my hubby, so here it is. It’s a long one, and I’m going to have to break it into parts so as to not overwhelm my readers.

Love At First Sight

I call it that, but neither of us knew that’s what it was. I met Brian in a hallway of our High School. We were introduced to each other by my boyfriend at the time, who also happened to be one of Brian’s best friends. There was something about Brian from the very beginning that had my attention, though I was already in a serious relationship at the time. We became fast friends and I was gladly accepted to the “group”. I got to hang out with him almost every day after school and during my Junior year (his Senior year) we had classes that were right next to each other, so we chatted in the halls frequently and even ended up on our Great America Field Trip together. Again, this was a totally platonic friendship we had, both of us were ignoring what other people thought was an obvious connection, but we were happily just hanging out.

During my last semester as a Junior I received 3 letters from Brian. As a close, close friend he was starting to notice that my boyfriend was treating me less than kindly and he had a growing issue with it. I was “happy” so I pushed it off. In the last of the three letters Brian admitted that he loved me in that way. I didn’t know what to say, I was in love with my boyfriend, how could Brian love me? It did not change our relationship though, I knew I still wanted to retain our friendship, so I never mentioned it to him.

A few months later Brian went off to college and though he was 3 hours away and I was in my Senior year of High School, I never stopped thinking of him. I only got to talk to him for 30 minutes every other month or so when I remembered to call him and I truly missed the friendship we had built. He came home for the summer and we saw each other a few times, but he had made new college friends that I didn’t know and our relationship was fading.

When he went back to school his 2nd year, we spoke even less and I had let my relationship with my boyfriend consume all of my time. The time between then and when he came home sick is a blur. I don’t remember anything from that gap about him and I. The clearest memory I have is when I found out he was home for an extended period of time his 3rd year into college. He had come home because he was really ill and was undergoing all sorts of tests to try and find a cause. I didn’t start spending any significant time with him until he was in the middle of his “recovery”. My boyfriend and I were drifting and I was finally starting to see what Brian had said in those letters 2 years earlier. Why it had taken me so long to see the abuse, well it’s the stereo-typical answer. I was only getting what I deserved and love is blind, so, so blind.

The more time I spent with Brian the more our friendship started to come back, much the chagrin of my boyfriend who was no longer speaking to Brian. It was just like old times with him and it was so comfortable. The more time I spent with him, the more I began to realize what my heart had felt all along.

One night as I was dropping Brian off at home, we were chatting in my car in his driveway. We were laughing about something or another and I was teasing him that I should just kiss him to see what he would do. He laughed and I did it. I hadn’t felt so many butterflies in my stomach in over 4 years (the time I’d been dating the other guy). I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but I am so glad I did.

Still being in a relationship I wasn’t happy with, I decided I needed to end it. We were moving in two very opposite directions and I wasn’t being treated like I deserved to be. Leaving him, though, would prove to be one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do (more on that in a separate post).

The night before I actually broke up with him, we had a huge fight and I ended up crying on the shoulder of Brian. He was always there for me, as ridiculous as half the stuff I went through was, he never judged me, just always consoled me. That night, we made love for the first time and it was the most wonderful thing. I know that means that I cheated on my boyfriend, but in my mind, my relationship with him was over months before that. That doesn’t make it right and I won’t forgive myself for not having a little more restraint.

The next part of the story is to be continued in another post…

Letting go of something you never had…

I’ve been having some health related issues recently, the largest one is now under control and I’m feeling much better. However, I had another “scare” recently, that brought some buried feelings to the surface. I woke up a week ago and realized that I was late…5 days late to be exact. I wasn’t worried about it, but since I had to call my doctor for something else anyway, I figured I’d mention it. She suggested waiting it out, it could be stress, I agreed and went about things as usual. When last Friday hit and I was then 9 days late, she suggested taking a test. Again I wasn’t panicked, I was sure that couldn’t be it (though there was a small possiblity it could have been it). One of my best friends was coming to stay at our place that night and I felt I should warn her of the next mornings activity, just in case she heard screams. She was excited and ready for her little girl to have a new friend. I warned though, that it may not be all excitement in our house at the results. She understood.

I stopped on my way home Friday night and spent 20 minutes staring at the shelves of pregnancy tests. (Side note: Why are there so many of those things to pick from? Seriously???) Anyway, after picking up and putting back several boxes, I decided on the one in the pretty pink box (First Response I believe). As I pushed my cart through the store picking up the remainder of the groceries I needed, I wondered how many people were staring into my cart and juging me and my little test. Why did I care, you ask? I couldn’t tell you. I’m married to a wonderful man, we have our very own house and both have full time jobs, it’s the “american dream” right? Still I felt like there was something wrong with me having it in my cart. I even did self-checkout so the cashier couldn’t stare at me and judge….

On my drive home I called the hubby to tell him that “doctors orders” were to take the test the next morning. He said “okay”, but I knew there was more behind that than he was letting on. We’ve had this conversation, more times than I can count. We both want a family, one of us is ready, the other is not. No matter how things went the next morning, one of us was going to get what we wanted and the other wasn’t. Looking back now, I think I understand some of the underlying crankiness I noticed was happening with him leading up to the actual test day. He was aware, as each day passed, that I was later and later, and the realization that we could now be 3 instead of 2 probably wasn’t sitting so well with him. There are things he wants to accomplish before we expand our family, things that are extremely important to him and are not (as) possible if there’s a newborn in the picture.

Saturday morning arrived and as the hubby and I woke up, we both looked at each other. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I knew what I had to do and I didn’t want to. I wasn’t really worried about the test results, it was his reaction that was keeping me from springing into the bathroom. He finally said “just get up and go do it” and I did. The next three minutes were hell, I was mentally torn about what I wanted that little stick to tell me. I sooo wanted to be a mommy, but my husband sooo did not want to be a daddy (yet). Do I go selfish and hope for a plus or resign myself to another year with no baby. I convinced myself when the test read negative that I was happy about it.

I walked back into our bedroom and laid down next to my husband. I didn’t say anything until he finally asked “well?”. “No baby” I replied, my heart sank a little, but again I didn’t let on. It was for the best, right? Only one of us was ready anyway. Even when I brok e the news to Nikki that morning, I was convincing myself that it was for the best this way. She was dissapointed (I could tell in her face), but she didn’t mention another thing about it the rest of the time she was there (thank you for that, btw).

I continued to hold a little hope as more days passed and I was still late, maybe the test was wrong. Maybe my level wasn’t high enough to be detected….maybe. This morning confirmed the test was telling the truth. I spent my car ride into the office convincing myself that it was okay, everything is as it should be. Afterall, it would mean serious financial juggling, more doctors appointments, I’m not sure if I have maternity leave at work and my hubby was still working toward a pre-baby goal. It’s just for the better this way…

My heart doesn’t feel like that though. When you strip it all down, take all the “fluff” away, I’m a lot more broken inside about it than I let on. I can’t explain this to my husband, as a woman, I just “feel” like I’m ready to be a mom. It hurts in a way words can’t describe. Holding my friends 2 week old baby on Saturday brought all of this even closer to the surface. Everyone kept saying “you look like you want one”, and I do. My hubby just rolls his eyes and shakes his head. I can’t expect him to understand and it’s not in anyway his fault that we aren’t on the same page.

There is something he’s working toward and it has to come before a baby does, unfortunately there is something I’m working toward and it can’t come until a baby does. It’s one hell of a crossroads to be at and I’m not sure what to do. I know I want to support him and it means a sacrafice on my part, but how do I make the hurting stop so I can be the supportive wife I want to be? Where do I put my feelings and thoughts, so they are tucked away far enough to not make me an emotional mess? And how do you let go of something you never even had?

First comes love, then comes marriage, then….you wait.

**Photo credit goes to @NikolSpencer**

The Story Behind the Picture

Morgan asked if a picture from a previous post was of me getting a tattoo. The short answer is yes . The long answer is below for those who’d like to hear the back story.

Through my job I became friends with a funny and pretty great guy (and I mean JUST FRIENDS). Anyway, we started hanging out outside of the office and he introduced me to one of his roommates, who at first meeting seemed a little bitchy to be frank. I was not a fan of Nicole, nor was she a fan of me. You see, she had a thing for the guy I was newly friends with and assumed that I was around for some other reason.

Needless to say Nikki and Flannigan ended up becoming a couple (shortly after the birth of her adorable daughter) and I ended up finally getting to know her (and him) for who she really was. Once they became a couple Nikki and I started scheduling double dates and dinners at each other’s houses (with the boys in tow) and the majority of my communication with Flannigan was through her. Flannigan quit working for the company I work for and I no longer saw him daily. Everything was great with the four of us, until Flannagin and Nicole started having problems and eventually ended their relationship.

I had become so close to Nikki that my original “friendship” with Flannagin was no longer in tact. I tried not to take sides, but only one of the two of them was talking to me anymore and soon Flannagin and I (through a shitty email) were no longer “friends”. Whether we were ever truly friends to begin with is up for debate, but I walked away with one of the best people in my life to this day.

Nikki rocks my socks. She’s a hardass, but a girly girl at heart and one of my best friends. We have had some great moments together and been on the receiving end of some tear filled phone calls for one another. I can tell her anything and everything and she appreciates my “I’m not sugar coating this” attitude like no one else.

When she decided to get a tattoo last summer, I offered to take her. I’d gotten one done at a local place and the guy was super cool and did great work. The more we talked about it the more I decided I wanted to get one more done too. It took a few months of talking about it before she picked something she wanted, but when she showed me and told me why, I knew the wait was worth it.

We had printed out our designs, met up with each other and off we went to the Tattoo Parlor. I was nervous and excited, what a great first to share with one of your best friends! I could tell she was nervous, but I kept promising it would be worth it. We made our way into the shop and offered up our print outs of our desired tattoos.  Nikki went first and did awesome – she giggled most of the time, probably nervous laughter, but it helped ease the pain. After seeing Nikki’s done, I changed my mind (such the girl thing to do, huh) on what I wanted. When I hopped up on the chair, I told Tony (that’s the Tattoo artist) I wanted one just like hers. At the end of our little adventure we walked out with matching tattoos symbolizing “victory”.

It’s not to be misconstrued that I will conquer life, but that I will be victorious in my decisions. That I will not fail myself. I don’t believe that because I have this tattoo I will never make another mistake or feel deflated, but I will do my best and in that I will have a sense of victory. It represents the struggles I’ve overcome so far in my life and offers hope for the ones that are yet to come.

Every time I look down at my leg I think of Nikki and everytime I feel like I’m defeated, I have my own personal reality check. After all the very definition of victory is the opposite of defeat.

Impossible Things

I have to give credit to @CanonicalBabble for this little project. She did one herself and I was inspired. Credit is also due to @NikolSpencer, who pushes me to always go above what I believe is possible. Inspired as I’ve also been by my wonderful LookingGlassLane family – yes you girls are like family to me – the strongest support system I never knew I’d need .

As I’ve made this list (it’s taken me over a month) I’ve been told it’s not realistic, that half of it is dependent on someone else, that my goals will not happen with my current living/financial situation. I tried my hardest not to let this statement break me, not to let it make me feel like it was true. I am sticking to my list and will just have to push myself even harder and break further out of my shell to prove that this can be done.

Here’s to believing that impossible things are, in fact, very, very possible…

101 Goals in 1001 Days:

My Body:
1. Use my Wii Fit daily – I promised to use it when I got it and haven’t followed through very well. This will change
2. Take the dog for a walk on nice days – I’d say every day, but lets be real here, Thunderstorms/Snow storms and dog walking don’t mix well
3. Eat more fruit/veggies – this should be a no brainer for me, I love both of them, however my husband would rather keep Oreos and Cheetos on hand. I am not him and do not metabolize things the same.
4. Get at least 6 hours of sleep each night – Again this should be a no brainer, but I am very much a night owl and when I have to get up at a certain time to get to work, I should really be getting to bed earlier
5. Cook Healthier meals – while I love the convenience of most foods, they are simply not “good” enough for me and my hubby. That means less frozen pizza and more homemade, less mac n’ cheese and more grilled chicken
6. Lose as much of the 70lbs I need to as I can – I fully realize that it may take me longer than 1001 days to lose all of the weight, but if I can put a significant dent into I’ll be a happy, happy girl. At least 30lbs
7. Maintain what I lose – this is going to mean some form of exercise daily from me, which is a big lifestyle change, but I CAN DO IT.
8. Fit into my dress from H.S. – I have 1 item of clothing that I refused to get rid of from High School. It kind of holds a special place in the hubby’s heart. I will wear it again and it will fit. I was 70lbs lighter then, but I think if I lose a portion of that it might still fit
9. Limit my pop intake to 2 per week – I’ve already cut down a LOT, but I can and will do better. I don’t need the caffeine/sugar
10. Eat oatmeal for breakfast at least 3 times a week – I already have high cholesterol and this helps it, why wouldn’t I eat oatmeal instead of taking a pill??? Rather, why haven’t I been eating oatmeal???
11. Do more than 10 pushups – I don’t even know how many I can do right now, but I want to be able to do 10, that seems fair (thx H for this one!)
12. Run a mile – I’ve never been a huge fan of running, but I did my best mile in High School at 8:31 – it’s no world record, but it was well under the 12 minutes I was supposed to do and I’d love to be able to even finish a mile now.
13. Go on 5 bike rides – My hubby fixed my bike up for me 2 years ago and I never got on it – this needs to be fixed. Hopefully I can convince him to come along with me
14. Think before I eat – I have a problem with just shoving food into my mouth without thinking about it. If I’m hungry I eat and when I’m stressed I eat WAY more than I should – it’s called portion control for a reason!
15. Walk through my town – I’ve driven through the tiny town every day since November, but I still can’t tell you where the Post Office is – nonsense!

My Mind:
1. Try to keep a positive attitude – this is much tougher than it sounds, but I’ve felt like I’ve become a lot less upbeat lately and it’s icky.
2. Laugh at least 1 time per day – My husband always tells me I don’t laugh enough – lets remedy this!
3. Breathe – I tend to forget this when I get upset or angry, I need to just relax and take deep breaths
4. Set aside 15 minutes everyday for myself – I think this is something I can manage and need to unwind after my days
5. Watch no more than 2hrs of t.v in a day – right now we spend a lot of time in front of the t.v when there are other things we should/could/need to be doing.
6. Take a class – I’ve been threatening to do this, but haven’t done it yet. I’m game for cooking/crafting/gen. education/exercise, just about anything.
7. Research going back to school – This is something I would love to do, I didn’t make it to college and want to go back badly, but I’m just not sure if it’s possible/where to start, etc.
8. Start writing poetry again – I used to do this very frequently in High School, then I let it fall away, I miss it
9. Do my Vision Board – Morgan has been a huge inspiration to me and I think it’s a good idea to SEE where I want to be
10. Make a Vlog – I’m not a big fan of showing my face, one of my left over self-esteem issues, but I love my support system online and should be able to fully put myself out there for them
11. Let my husband buy me/pick out an outfit – I always wear the things I feel comfortable in, but I think for one night I could dress in something that makes his heart melt to see me in too
12. Learn to take a compliment – I’m a self-conscienous gal, it’s embedded in my brain from long ago, I’d like to become more comfortable with myself and carry myself better
13. Believe every day that the impossible is possible if you put your mind to – I will need to repeat this several times I’m sure.
14. Take more pictures – there’s (very novice) photographer inside of me and I want to let her play
15. Finish my art projects – I have lists of things I want to get done and need to make them happen
16. Share more on my blog – It’s come to my attention that I still shelter myself a fair bit and I think I’m ready to let go of some of it
17. Kiss my husband goodnight – every night
18. Always say I love you when we part – This is something I’m already in the habit of doing, but I need to remind myself that even if we’re unhappy with one another, I will ALWAYS love him
19. Share some of my poetry – I’ve got notebooks full of it, it’s probably time to dust it off and get it out there

Entertainment:
1. Read 12 books – I’ve recently started reading again and I LOVE it. Now to just find some things that really interest me…I may have to hit the Library!

• Mommywood – Currently reading this one

2. Get a Library Card – This will aid me in the above

• Done!

3. Go on 3 camping trips – we have one planned for the end of the month, but I won’t count it until it actually happens. This makes it 1 time per year that we need to go out and use all of our camping gear. This should not be difficult

• Family Camping 2009 – Savanna, IL

4. Go to Cedar Point – I’ve wanted to go for years, it’s not that far away and should be something feasible in the next 1001 days
5. Meet 1 of my “Twitter Friends” in real life – I’d love to meet you all and I will if it’s possible, but 1 is a good goal to have, right? (Here’s looking at you @modernsinglemom, @RiaSharon, @Zenmommy, @MissIve, @misscriss0830, @fleurdeleigh, etc.)
6. Create my own website for my blog/photos – This is on it’s way! I’ve got my domain registered, now I just have to set up the site – minor details…UPDATE: Site is up w/blog! Just need to make it “pretty” now
7. Maintain my site – This is the part that I normally have trouble with, but I’m pretty passionate about this, so I’m hoping that helps me stick with it
8. Watch 1 new movie a month – there’s a ton of movies I want to see, now I just have to make it happen

• Shop Girl
• He’s Just Not That Into You
• Lars and the Real Girl (8/1)

9. Take a road trip – no where specific, but I’ve wanted to just get in a car and go somewhere.
10. Take a vacation with my Brother/Sister(to be) – I’ve wanted to go somewhere on vacation with them forever, maybe we can make this happen in the next 2.75 years? Assuming of course, that they want to go too
11. Host 3 game nights – we enjoy having people over and we like games – makes logical sense

• August 15th – Successful game night!

12. Spend time with my ‘girlfriends” at least every other month – our calendars always seem to fill so quickly, I need to make more time for these things
13. Start saving for a trip to Seattle – if we can get there on our budget even better
14. Spend a long weekend in Michigan – revisiting our honeymoon spots – Sleeping Bear Dunes are just beautiful
15. Plan a trip to Canada – I hear it’s gorgeous and I’ve never been. I’ll need a passport though
16. Get our Passports – I don’t have one and who knows when we’ll decide to fly off somewhere out of the country, lol
17. Visit the Art Museum in Chicago – I’ve lived in the suburbs my entire life and have NEVER been – what is wrong with me?
18. Visit the Shedd Aquarium – again 27 years and I’ve never been there
19. See a play – not sure which one, but it’s something I enjoy doing
20. See a Cubs game – it’s an expensive thing to do and a long day, but there’s nothing like a day at Wrigley Field, especially when they win!
21. See a football game – the only “big” professional sport I haven’t actually been to a game of (NFL that is)
22. Attend our local town festival – we live in a small country town, but I’d like to check it out at least once

Family:
1. Visit my grandpa/aunt in FL at least once – I don’t see them often at all and I need to make an effort to. My grandma passed away and it had been years since I had seen her.
2. Visit my grandparents in IL at least 4 times – they live 30 minutes away and though I see them at most family functions, I should make more of an effort to visit them and maybe even have them over for dinner.
3. Visit grammy at least 3 times – this is Brian’s grammy and though she lives close, outside of Christmas/Thanksgiving and any other family get togethers, we don’t see her often. (thanks again H!)

• Grammy’s Birthday party!

4. Visit Bob and Pam at least 3 times – again they are close and there is no reason not to visit Brian’s parents (same as above)
5. Visit Mom and Bob at least 3 times – same sentiment – they are Brian’s parents and are close (man H, you should have just written mine, lol!)
6. Start our family – I do not have complete control over this for various reasons, but Ideally I would like to have our first child. If for some reason or another that is not possible I’d like to at least be actively trying (through whatever process is necessary) to have our first child
7. Take more pictures together – Brian and I take pictures, but usually of other people. I’d like to have a picture of the two of us for all the events we attend together (and remember the camera for)
8. Spend at least 1 night/day with Doug & Heater a month – maybe this will seem like a lot to some people, but they live 10 minutes away, we have fun when we’re together and we’re family.
9. Spend time with Chris at least once a month – we live 45 minutes away from each other, but that is really not a reason to not see each other.

Misc.:
1. Finish at least 2 more scrapbooks – I’d love to get my Honeymoon book done and the one for the wedding. There are several more I want to do, but these are highest on the list right now.
2. Get my paper filing organized – right now I have papers in a million different places in our house, it’s crazy when I need to find something and must be put away better
3. Continue to go through my closet/house and donate what we are not using – we’ve been good about this so far, but there are a lot more boxes of “stuff” that we just don’t need
4. Try 10 new foods – I’m not nearly as picky as my hubby, so this shouldn’t be too hard for me, but we’ll see how it goes

• Chocolate Bacon – yep pieces of bacon in a chocolate bar (I do not recommend, btw). We went a friends BBQ that was “bacon themed”
• Stuffed Mushrooms – I used to like mushrooms, but went through about a ten year phase where I didn’t and now I do again! (7/31)
• Grilled plums – yummy!

5. Use the fresh herbs I’m growing – I’ve got them planted and they are growing, now lets see if I can manage to cook with them
6. Get Brian to try 3 new foods – He’s pickier than picky, but I think I can manage 3.

• “Dessert Bacon” – Yep, bacon seasoned w/brown sugar and some other spices (much better than the chocolate) – he tried it, he gets credit!

• Polenta – He ate it and said “eh, it’s not bad” – lol, baby steps people!

7. Own a kitten/cat – I grew up with cats and I LOVE them, hubby is a dog lover. We have a dog, but I want a kitten/cat and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have one (sooner the better)

• DONE

8. Go on at least 1 date a month with my husband – it doesn’t have to be fancy, it can be dinner in and rented movie, but we need to dedicate some time to one another. We’re on opposite schedules most times and it’s too easy to become disconnected.

• We had a date night in – dinner and movie (7/31)
• Dinner out just the two of us ( 8/17)

9. Try a new recipe a month – I have cookbooks that haven’t been opened, I’d like to start using them, who knows what wonderful things I’ll come up with!

• Brand new Chili recipe 8/25/09 (and it was good!)

House
1. Paint the remainder of the rooms in the house – painting is the easy part, I have to figure out colors first

• Master Bedroom
• Dining/Living Room
• Office (7/31)
• Guest Bathroom (8/1)
• Family Room/Kitchen (8/7-8/9)

2. Install blinds on the remaining windows – we’ve done the (important) bathroom, but the rest of the windows either have curtains only or temporary “paper” blinds right now
3. Complete a “built-in” desk in the office for 2 – my husband and I both use the office all the time, we currently have a “hodge-podge” of furniture in there, but we’d like to do a full wall built in desk that we can both use and still maintain separate working space
4. Install our own fence – sure we could pay someone to do it, but I’m all about being self-sufficient and I think with the help of a few friends we can manage to put it up ourselves
5. Get paver brick patio installed – we’ve figured out size, picked the bricks now we just need the money to get it done
6. Grow veggies and eat them – I’ve started tomatoes and red peppers, I’m not sure if they’ll actually produce anything, but so far so good!
7. Purchase a flat screen t.v. – we have an old (HEAVY) t.v. that works just fine, but we are also currently using a 19 inch t.v in our bedroom. It would be nice to cuddle with my hubby during some of that 2hr t.v. limit
8. Visit a farmer’s market – I’m sure there one that’s local, we live in the middle of fields for pete’s sake, but I’ve never been and would like to go

• Went to Sycamore Farmer’s Market – great little place! (8/2)

9. Create a chore routine – we have a lot of little things that need to be done, but we haven’t quite gotten a schedule worked out. I end up with 10 loads of laundry to do on a Sunday and it’s not working – I can fix this.

• Created! – Now I just have to stick to it!

10. Plant flowers in my flower beds – the builder was nice enough to include flower beds for us, but they are bare and need to be taken care of

• One of the beds has flowers in it – only 3 more to go!

11. Meet my neighbors – our subdivision is still being built, but there’s house that will be done in a few months on one side of us and I’d like to know who I’m going to be living next to.
12. Hang icicle lights on the gutters – may be trivial to some, but I LOVE to decorate for Christmas and our roof is pretty high up, I want to get (i.e. convince) my hubby that this is a good idea
13. Convince Hubby that an outdoor fireplace IS a good idea and then make it happen
14. Get a new patio furniture set – ours is old and ugly and was hand-me down, I’d like something slightly bigger

Finances:
1. Have enough money in the savings account to “live” for 6 months – we saved and saved, then bought the house & appliances, saved again and had to pay for the dogs surgery, saved and paid for paint. It’s time we saved to save, so that if something were to happen we wouldn’t be in a really bad situation
2. Have enough money to take a vacation – like a week long vacation somewhere – maybe that trip to Seattle
3. Start our child’s college fund – this is important to me for many reasons – mainly I’d like to limit the amount that they’ll have to repay over 20 years like my husband
4. Payoff all of our credit card debt – we’re working pretty heavily on this one right now, so it’d be nice to have it all go away
5. Remind myself if I don’t have the cash for it I don’t need it – we’ve been in the habit of just buying things and I’d like to try and live without credit (or payoff the credit every month)
6. Start a retirement fund – Hubby has one, but my paycheck is much smaller than his and I have been using every cent to pay bills. It’s time I put some aside for my older self
7. Payoff Brian’s car – we’re adding to the payment monthly and he really wants a new(different) car, so it’d be nice to be able to do that for him
8. Payoff My car – I’d really love to have a car with all wheel drive for the lovely winters we have here in IL
9. Set a monthly budget for groceries/entertainment/clothes and STICK TO IT
10. Cut coupons and USE them – this is something that should be fairly easy to do
11. Sell the rest of my “collectables” on either ebay or craigslist – they are taking up space and we don’t need them
12. Find a way to either increase our income or decrease some of our spending – air drying clothes instead of using the dryer saves on gas and is easy to accomplish – turning the ac up and the heat down is another easy step to saving a little on the bills and we can hope for raises this year, right?
13. Research ways to work from home once we start our family – I want to be able to spend time with our kids and working 9-5 45 minutes away is not going to help me accomplish this

Well that’s it, my list of things to do, a text version of a vision statement I suppose. I’ll be updating as I accomplish items on it. I know this is a lengthy post and I apologize if you were looking for something more, but this will probably give you some good insight to my world. Welcome and don’t forget to wipe your feet.
UPDATE: My end date for this project is April 11, 2012. The website if you want to check it out is DayZeroProject.

8/4 UPDATE: Checked a few things off my list

8/25 UPDATE: Checked a few more things off my list

First Steps

I’m not usually one to step much out of my comfort zone, but with the online community I’ve become a part of and LOVE, I’ve gained a little confidence. When a friend (@NikolSpencer) sent me a link and suggested that I sign up for a contest, I was a little nervous. I don’t do things like this, but then I thought – why not? I don’t have anything to lose and I get to cook, which I love to do. How fun!

So, I’m shooting off an application for the contest, we’ll see if I get picked, but I feel better even knowing I’m taking that first step. It’s opening up a new door for me and I have all of my Twitter and LookingGlassLane friends to thank. I feel stronger having a group of such wonderful women in my corner for whatever life brings me – you ladies are amazing, truly and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for giving me some of my strength back.

UPDATE:The contestants were chosen at the end of June (sorry it took me so long to update this!) and I didn’t get picked, but best of luck to all those in the competition!