Someone has asked for my “love story” with my hubby, so here it is. It’s a long one, and I’m going to have to break it into parts so as to not overwhelm my readers.

Love At First Sight

I call it that, but neither of us knew that’s what it was. I met Brian in a hallway of our High School. We were introduced to each other by my boyfriend at the time, who also happened to be one of Brian’s best friends. There was something about Brian from the very beginning that had my attention, though I was already in a serious relationship at the time. We became fast friends and I was gladly accepted to the “group”. I got to hang out with him almost every day after school and during my Junior year (his Senior year) we had classes that were right next to each other, so we chatted in the halls frequently and even ended up on our Great America Field Trip together. Again, this was a totally platonic friendship we had, both of us were ignoring what other people thought was an obvious connection, but we were happily just hanging out.

During my last semester as a Junior I received 3 letters from Brian. As a close, close friend he was starting to notice that my boyfriend was treating me less than kindly and he had a growing issue with it. I was “happy” so I pushed it off. In the last of the three letters Brian admitted that he loved me in that way. I didn’t know what to say, I was in love with my boyfriend, how could Brian love me? It did not change our relationship though, I knew I still wanted to retain our friendship, so I never mentioned it to him.

A few months later Brian went off to college and though he was 3 hours away and I was in my Senior year of High School, I never stopped thinking of him. I only got to talk to him for 30 minutes every other month or so when I remembered to call him and I truly missed the friendship we had built. He came home for the summer and we saw each other a few times, but he had made new college friends that I didn’t know and our relationship was fading.

When he went back to school his 2nd year, we spoke even less and I had let my relationship with my boyfriend consume all of my time. The time between then and when he came home sick is a blur. I don’t remember anything from that gap about him and I. The clearest memory I have is when I found out he was home for an extended period of time his 3rd year into college. He had come home because he was really ill and was undergoing all sorts of tests to try and find a cause. I didn’t start spending any significant time with him until he was in the middle of his “recovery”. My boyfriend and I were drifting and I was finally starting to see what Brian had said in those letters 2 years earlier. Why it had taken me so long to see the abuse, well it’s the stereo-typical answer. I was only getting what I deserved and love is blind, so, so blind.

The more time I spent with Brian the more our friendship started to come back, much the chagrin of my boyfriend who was no longer speaking to Brian. It was just like old times with him and it was so comfortable. The more time I spent with him, the more I began to realize what my heart had felt all along.

One night as I was dropping Brian off at home, we were chatting in my car in his driveway. We were laughing about something or another and I was teasing him that I should just kiss him to see what he would do. He laughed and I did it. I hadn’t felt so many butterflies in my stomach in over 4 years (the time I’d been dating the other guy). I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but I am so glad I did.

Still being in a relationship I wasn’t happy with, I decided I needed to end it. We were moving in two very opposite directions and I wasn’t being treated like I deserved to be. Leaving him, though, would prove to be one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do (more on that in a separate post).

The night before I actually broke up with him, we had a huge fight and I ended up crying on the shoulder of Brian. He was always there for me, as ridiculous as half the stuff I went through was, he never judged me, just always consoled me. That night, we made love for the first time and it was the most wonderful thing. I know that means that I cheated on my boyfriend, but in my mind, my relationship with him was over months before that. That doesn’t make it right and I won’t forgive myself for not having a little more restraint.

The next part of the story is to be continued in another post…

I’ve been having some health related issues recently, the largest one is now under control and I’m feeling much better. However, I had another “scare” recently, that brought some buried feelings to the surface. I woke up a week ago and realized that I was late…5 days late to be exact. I wasn’t worried about it, but since I had to call my doctor for something else anyway, I figured I’d mention it. She suggested waiting it out, it could be stress, I agreed and went about things as usual. When last Friday hit and I was then 9 days late, she suggested taking a test. Again I wasn’t panicked, I was sure that couldn’t be it (though there was a small possiblity it could have been it). One of my best friends was coming to stay at our place that night and I felt I should warn her of the next mornings activity, just in case she heard screams. She was excited and ready for her little girl to have a new friend. I warned though, that it may not be all excitement in our house at the results. She understood.

I stopped on my way home Friday night and spent 20 minutes staring at the shelves of pregnancy tests. (Side note: Why are there so many of those things to pick from? Seriously???) Anyway, after picking up and putting back several boxes, I decided on the one in the pretty pink box (First Response I believe). As I pushed my cart through the store picking up the remainder of the groceries I needed, I wondered how many people were staring into my cart and juging me and my little test. Why did I care, you ask? I couldn’t tell you. I’m married to a wonderful man, we have our very own house and both have full time jobs, it’s the “american dream” right? Still I felt like there was something wrong with me having it in my cart. I even did self-checkout so the cashier couldn’t stare at me and judge….

On my drive home I called the hubby to tell him that “doctors orders” were to take the test the next morning. He said “okay”, but I knew there was more behind that than he was letting on. We’ve had this conversation, more times than I can count. We both want a family, one of us is ready, the other is not. No matter how things went the next morning, one of us was going to get what we wanted and the other wasn’t. Looking back now, I think I understand some of the underlying crankiness I noticed was happening with him leading up to the actual test day. He was aware, as each day passed, that I was later and later, and the realization that we could now be 3 instead of 2 probably wasn’t sitting so well with him. There are things he wants to accomplish before we expand our family, things that are extremely important to him and are not (as) possible if there’s a newborn in the picture.

Saturday morning arrived and as the hubby and I woke up, we both looked at each other. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I knew what I had to do and I didn’t want to. I wasn’t really worried about the test results, it was his reaction that was keeping me from springing into the bathroom. He finally said “just get up and go do it” and I did. The next three minutes were hell, I was mentally torn about what I wanted that little stick to tell me. I sooo wanted to be a mommy, but my husband sooo did not want to be a daddy (yet). Do I go selfish and hope for a plus or resign myself to another year with no baby. I convinced myself when the test read negative that I was happy about it.

I walked back into our bedroom and laid down next to my husband. I didn’t say anything until he finally asked “well?”. “No baby” I replied, my heart sank a little, but again I didn’t let on. It was for the best, right? Only one of us was ready anyway. Even when I brok e the news to Nikki that morning, I was convincing myself that it was for the best this way. She was dissapointed (I could tell in her face), but she didn’t mention another thing about it the rest of the time she was there (thank you for that, btw).

I continued to hold a little hope as more days passed and I was still late, maybe the test was wrong. Maybe my level wasn’t high enough to be detected….maybe. This morning confirmed the test was telling the truth. I spent my car ride into the office convincing myself that it was okay, everything is as it should be. Afterall, it would mean serious financial juggling, more doctors appointments, I’m not sure if I have maternity leave at work and my hubby was still working toward a pre-baby goal. It’s just for the better this way…

My heart doesn’t feel like that though. When you strip it all down, take all the “fluff” away, I’m a lot more broken inside about it than I let on. I can’t explain this to my husband, as a woman, I just “feel” like I’m ready to be a mom. It hurts in a way words can’t describe. Holding my friends 2 week old baby on Saturday brought all of this even closer to the surface. Everyone kept saying “you look like you want one”, and I do. My hubby just rolls his eyes and shakes his head. I can’t expect him to understand and it’s not in anyway his fault that we aren’t on the same page.

There is something he’s working toward and it has to come before a baby does, unfortunately there is something I’m working toward and it can’t come until a baby does. It’s one hell of a crossroads to be at and I’m not sure what to do. I know I want to support him and it means a sacrafice on my part, but how do I make the hurting stop so I can be the supportive wife I want to be? Where do I put my feelings and thoughts, so they are tucked away far enough to not make me an emotional mess? And how do you let go of something you never even had?

First comes love, then comes marriage, then….you wait.

**Photo credit goes to @NikolSpencer**

Good things come to those who wait…

Or at least I hope so. It’s been almost 2 weeks since the talk and I’m not sure much has changed. Knowing it won’t be an automatic switch, it’s still hard to feel like I got through. While I did get the best foot rub I’ve had in years last night, I’m not sure it was done for the reason I’d hoped for.

Still waiting…

When you find the one you’re going to spend your life with, magic happens. You get butterflies, you smile, laugh and love more than you ever thought you were capable of. You learn from one another through the happy memories, and the difficult times. When you face obstacles you face them together. But what happens when you’ve finally settled in and gotten comfortable and one of you starts to miss the butterflies?

I’ve been in a bit of a “funk” for the last week. I had to really think about how to approach my issue with my husband, but I finally figured it out Saturday morning. I had planned to talk to him Friday, but when the man you love tells you “I’m happy. I love my wife and our little dog and the home we have here”, how do you then say “I’m not so happy?”. I just couldn’t do it. I woke up with it on my mind Saturday though and after coffee and some random show on t.v., I turned to my hubby and bit the bullet.

I am a VERY passionate and romantic person, I always have been. It’s a part of me I let get pushed aside a lot and it finally made its way to the front again. My husband is the logical one. He doesn’t understand flowers and gooshy cards. I’ve been able to learn his “language”. He however cannot get his brain around mine. Romance and “raw” passion do not make logical sense to him and he’s let them completely fall from his vocabulary.

I knew the convesation wasn’t going to be easy or pleasant (I cried, I knew I would), but it was absolutely necessary. If I can make an effort to learn his language, he must be willing to make an effort to learn mine. I probably made him feel awful and it was not my intention to do so, but he needed to know where I was and why I had been so distracted and distant for the last week.

I’ll let you know how it turns out, this will not be an overnight change and I’m not entirely certain we won’t have to visit it again, but right now I’m taking comfort in the fact that he knows and it is up to him to decide where we go from here. I trust him to make the right decision.