Gone but not forgotten

My husband’s grandmother passed away last Friday. I was out of town when he called me, standing in the middle of a Kroger grocery store in Indiana to be exact. He wasn’t going to call, but his brother (correctly) suggested that he should let me know, even if I was on “vacation” for the weekend. I took in the information, asked him a million times if he wanted me to come home and, after he assured me I should stay, put it away. I just shut it off in my head. I thought about it, but couldn’t react to it. I went through the rest of the weekend, accomplishing what I was there to do, spend time with my friend who I don’t see very often and finish my Bachelorette scrapbook.

On the drive home I thought about Grandma Porter, all of the times I got to spend with her, what a truly classy lady she was, how I always enjoyed her stories and how she always made me feel like I was family, even 6 years ago when I was B’s “new” girlfriend. I still didn’t react though, I just thought.

Her memorial service is tomorrow. Starting at 9am and going until 2:30pm. I’m nervous. I’m afraid the emotion that has been sitting in reserve will spill out and I’ll be a big mess. I’m afraid that the things I haven’t “dealt” with yet will flood over me and some one is going to have to mop me off the floor. I’m also afraid that this won’t happen, I’ll stay composed and the emotions will be held in reserve again.

I don’t know how to cope with this one. I can still hear her voice telling stories in my head, almost as if she’s right there next to me. I can see her face, and her wide smile. She had such a soothing tone, so soft spoken and so full of love. I keep feeling that if I had known the last time was the last, I would have given her a bigger, tighter goodbye hug.

Cross your fingers for me that I make it through tomorrow retaining some form of composure, but letting myself grieve too. I hope my husband can do the same, I don’t think he’s completely dealt with it either.

One comment to “Gone but not forgotten”

  1. 1

    On January 24th, 2009 at 9:21 am, Nikki said...

    Aw, Jenn. This was such an emotional post… I was crying while reading this at work. I am horrible with situations like this… I’ve never lost anyone really close to me. All I can offer is a little saying someone told me when my great-grams passed…

    “What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us.” Helen Keller

    Hold tight to your memories for comfort and may they give you strength. Although no words will ever help to ease the loss, just know that you two are in my thoughts and prayers. Love you, Jenn.