Archive for the ‘life’ Category

101 Things I’ve put off….

Seems I feel the need to update this once a year…I’ve got a lot of work to do and I’ve got a lot of prioritizing to do. This blog has fallen by the wayside, while life has taken over. I’m going to work at getting it back in shape and blow the dust off.

Bold – Done!

Italic – Working on it

Blue – Uhh, oh yeah that was on my list wasn’t it…
101 Goals in 1001 Days:

My Body:
1. Use my Wii Fit daily – I used it for the first time in 340 days Tuesday, and haven’t used it since then…sigh
2. Take the dog for a walk on nice days – We are currently in freezing temps and snowy weather, if I’m realistic, I’m not walking the dog on a regular basis until Spring.
3. Eat more fruit/veggies – This has been going well for me so far, I’ve been eating more fruits/veggies and ordering more salads if/when we go out places. I’m happy with my progress here
4. Get at least 6 hours of sleep each night – This has also been going fairly well for me. There have only been a handful of days that haven’t yielded 6+hrs of sleep
5. Cook Healthier meals – Thanks to some wonderful online resources (Kitchen Parade and Liz Brooks at Easy Meals Examiner) and my new subscription to Cooking Light I’ve been able to make things at home that are much healthier than we used to eat.
6. Lose as much of the 70lbs I need to as I can – I’ve made more progress with this, since having a “buddy” to be accountable to. I’m down 15lbs so far and still working.
7. Maintain what I lose – Since I’ve only lost 15lbs, it hasn’t been that difficult, but I will continue to maintain whatever I end up losing, somehow…
8. Fit into my dress from H.S. – See #’s 6 and 7 above, obviously this needs work.
9. Limit my pop intake to 2 per week – I did really well with this for a while and have let is slide again. Back to water!
10. Eat oatmeal for breakfast at least 3 times a week – Again this is something I was really good about for a month or so and totally fell off the wagon on.
11. Do more than 10 pushups – I still don’t know how many I can do, hang on a second….okay, I can do 5, so I’m half-way there!
12. Run a mile – When I used my Wii Fit the other day I ran, not even close to a mile, but it’s a start. Now I just have to keep practicing!
13. Go on 5 bike rides – Okay, so I won’t be pulling my bike out any time soon and I’ve completed zero of the five rides I wanted to. Guess that means I have a few rides ahead of me this summer!
14. Think before I eat – I have been doing a good job of this, mostly because of some health issues I’ve had recently, but it was a jump start in the right direction.
15. Walk through my town – Again, it’s winter and freezing cold, we’ll see if I make it this spring

My Mind:
1. Try to keep a positive attitude -While I’ve done my best to keep a PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) I have my days, but don’t we all?
2. Laugh at least 1 time per day – I laugh a LOT more than I used to and probably more than once a day.
3. Breathe – #1 and #2 have been helping keep this one in check. I’m learning to walk away from something before it gets the best of me and come back with a clearer head.
4. Set aside 15 minutes everyday for myself – When I get home (after taking care of the animals) I have time to myself every day, usually more than 15 minutes.
5. Watch no more than 2hrs of t.v in a day – We no longer have t.v. so I’m marking this one as DONE!
6. Take a class – I haven’t even researched anything about this. I really need to fix that.
7. Research going back to school – If I haven’t researched taking a single class yet, obviously I haven’t researched going to school.
8. Start writing poetry again – 1 poem written, but I really can’t force myself to do this one, it has to be when the mood strikes.
9. Do my Vision Board – Short of making this list I’ve made no progress on my “vision” of where I want to be.
10. Make a Vlog – I actually totally forgot this one was on my list all together….where’s my iSight?
11. Let my husband buy me/pick out an outfit – I won’t be buying new clothes any time soon (see financial stuff below), so this one’s going to have to wait I think.
12. Learn to take a compliment – I’ve become much more gracious when people pay me a compliment. Simply saying thank-you is much easier than assuming they are just being nice.
13. Believe every day that the impossible is possible if you put your mind to it – I still have to repeat this several times.
14. Take more pictures – Still going strong!
15. Finish my art projects – I’ve done a lot and added a lot more, lol. This one is a never ending list I think.
16. Share more on my blog – My blog has been empty of new posts for almost a year, I am clearly currently failing at this one.
17. Kiss my husband goodnight – every night
18. Always say I love you when we part – This is something I’m already in the habit of doing, but I need to remind myself that even if we’re unhappy with one another, I will ALWAYS love him
19. Share some of my poetry – I need to dig those notebooks out and start sharing them with people

1. Read 12 books – Huh, well…I have started two more books…

  • Mommywood
  • Five Love Languages
  • The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner

2. Get a Library Card – Done!
3. Go on 3 camping trips – Three down!! And we should have one next summer as well.
4. Go to Cedar Point – Hubby and I went for our 1 year Anniversary this year – I want to go again!
5. Meet 1 of my “Twitter Friends” in real life – I’m not sure this will happen, but we’ll see
6. Create my own website for my blog/photos – Obviously the site is up and working, now to just get those pictures linked.
7. Maintain my site – New banner is up, new pages created and blog post (which I need to do more frequently).
8. Watch 1 new movie a month – I’ve made good progress here, there are some that I’m forgetting I’m sure

  • Shop Girl
  • He’s Just Not That Into You
  • Lars and the Real Girl
  • You’ve Got Mail
  • Toy Story 3
  • Marley and Me
  • The Business of Being Born
  • Babies
  • The Time Travelers Wife
  • Shrek 2
  • Shrek The Third
  • Alice In Wonderland

9. Take a road trip – We road tripped to Cedar Point – yay for getting two things done with one trip!
10. Take a vacation with my Brother/Sister(to be) – With a Graduate Program in the works currently, this one will probably have to wait until 2011, but I’m okay with that!
11. Host 3 game nights – Two down, one to go
12. Spend time with my ‘girlfriends” at least every other month – I see some more than others, but I think this is also going pretty well
13. Start saving for a trip to Seattle – nothing saved for a vacation.
14. Spend a long weekend in Michigan – See #13. Maybe we’ll get there….
15. Plan a trip to Canada – My Hubby found a job listing for Vancouver, but that’s the closest we’ve come to making it across the border
16. Get our Passports – I don’t have one and who knows when we’ll decide to fly off somewhere out of the country, lol
17. Visit the Art Museum in Chicago – I’ve lived in the suburbs my entire life and have NEVER been – what is wrong with me?
18. Visit the Shedd Aquarium – On our Anniversary weekend we finished our trip w/a visit to the Shedd!
19. See a play – not sure which one, but it’s something I enjoy doing
20. See a Cubs game – it’s an expensive thing to do and a long day, but there’s nothing like a day at Wrigley Field, especially when they win!
21. See a football game – Not only did I get to go to an NFL football game, I got to see a game I never thought I would. Bears vs. Packers (GO PACK GO) – we also went to a game this year!
22. Attend our local town festival – we were camping last year when it happened, I would still like to get there.

1. Visit my grandpa/aunt in FL at least once – I don’t see them often at all and I need to make an effort to. My grandma passed away and it had been years since I had seen her.
2. Visit my grandparents in IL at least 4 times – We’ve seen them twice, I really need to be better about this. I don’t know what my problem is!
3. Visit grammy at least 3 times – 2 times so far, but with recent events, I think we may need to bump this up a bit anyway
4. Visit Bob and Pam at least 3 times – 1 time so far, and we’ve seen them more than that, but I still think making a drive to Galena shouldn’t be a problem, tho being invited first would be nice.
5. Visit Mom and Bob at least 3 times – we’ve seen them quite a few times, but there’s no need to call this one done, they’re my hubby’s parents after all.
6. Start our family – I’m calling this in progress because we’ve had many discussions about it and how we want to raise our children which is some progress. Though the “start trying” time has come and gone and been pushed back once…
7. Take more pictures together – As goofy and by hubby thinks I am for wanting to squish ourselves together for picture when we go somewhere, I appreciate that he is playing along….so far.
8. Spend at least 1 night/day with Doug & Heather a month – date nights on Thursdays make this happen and exercise nights on Mondays help too. I have some seriously awesome family!
9. Spend time with Chris at least once a month – There’s an upcoming blog post about this…

1. Finish at least 2 more scrapbooks – Rocky, Leela, Bachelorette Party and Honeymoon – ALL DONE! I still have a lot to do though.
2. Get my paper filing organized – I went on a shredding binge a while back and cleaned out a bunch of it, though it still needs some work
3. Continue to go through my closet/house and donate what we are not using – Car load #3 for the year is heading there tomorrow!
4. Try 10 new foods -I think I’ve far surpassed this now, but I’m still open to new things!
5. Use the fresh herbs I’m growing – Planted them, grew them and ate them! And I’ll be doing it again this year
6. Get Brian to try 3 new foods – 3 of 3 we have success!
7. Own a kitten/cat – I love my little Leela girl! (Not so little anymore, but still adorable)
8. Go on at least 1 date a month with my husband – we’ve started date night in every week and we’ve been pretty darn consistent with it. I think it’s helped us stay more connected as a couple too.
9. Try a new recipe a month – I’m making great strides in this since we are having more home-cooked meals!

  • Brand new Chili recipe 8/25/09 (and it was good!)
  • Chocolate Chip Muffins
  • Macaroni and Cheese
  • Chicken Cider Stew
  • Cheeseburger Casserole
  • French Bread
  • Ham and Cheese Tarts
  • Fudge
  • Pulled Pork
  • Pot Roast
  • Mini pizzas
  • Cowboy Cookies
  • Brown Sugar ‘lil Smokies
  • Mini Pie Pops
  • Cake Balls
  • Garlic Mashed Potatoes
  • Stuffing
  • Sweet Potatoes
  • Turkey (brined and everything!)
  • Mini Macaroni and Cheese Cups

1. Paint the remainder of the rooms in the house – one room left that I *need* to paint and the loft/stairway that isn’t a huge deal. I’ve purchased paint for the last room, now we need to apply!

2. Install blinds on the remaining windows – WOOHOO!!!
3. Complete a “built-in” desk in the office for 2 – This is on hold until my pickier hubby and I can decide what we really want and have a budget for it.
4. Install our own fence – I think we’ve agreed to wait until we have little ones running around to worry about this, if it gets done sooner great, if not, oh well.
5. Get paver brick patio installed – Done and done!
6. Grow veggies and eat them – Tomatoes, Beans, Cucumbers and Zucchini all planted only the Zucchini decided not to grow.
7. Purchase a flat screen t.v. – We’ve agreed that until our old t.v. bites the dust we don’t need this, so again, if it happens great, if not, oh well.
8. Visit a farmer’s market – Been a couple times now

9. Create a chore routine – it’s created, but we haven’t really stuck to it. Time to work on that.

10. Plant flowers in my flower beds – All of the beds have plants/flowers in them. We’ll see if they come up in the spring!

11. Meet my neighbors – took them cookies when they moved in!
12. Hang icicle lights on the gutters – Super hubby did it again this year :)
13. Convince Hubby that an outdoor fireplace IS a good idea and then make it happen
14. Get a new patio furniture set – My folks have offered us theirs, since they don’t use it, so it’ll be new to us once we get it.

1. Have enough money in the savings account to “live” for 6 months – currently working on this
2. Have enough money to take a vacation – no vacation until #1 is completed.
3. Start our child’s college fund – see #1
4. Payoff all of our credit card debt – It’s a work in progress
6. Start a retirement fund – We both started
7. Payoff Brian’s car – still working on it, if it would quit breaking we could throw more money at paying it off instead of fixing it.
8. Payoff My car – See #7 – his takes priority
9. Set a monthly budget for groceries/entertainment/clothes and STICK TO IT –  Working harder at this
10. Cut coupons and USE them – this is something I did and then stopped and am starting again
11. Sell the rest of my “collectables” on either ebay or craigslist – I have one item left that I’d really like to get rid of
12. Find a way to either increase our income or decrease some of our spending – we are re-evaluating this all the time it’s a constant work in progress
13. Research ways to work from home once we start our family – At this point working from home won’t be an option for me, but I’ve always got my eyes open.

My end date for this project is April 11, 2012. The website if you want to check it out is DayZeroProject.

The trouble with technologically dependent society…


I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and she said something that’s been on my mind ever since. We were talking about babies and how the birthing process has changed over the years. She used to work in a hospital in Holland and was telling me how they never used pain medication, it wasn’t even offered to patients when she worked there and they only did surgery when it was a life/death situation.

I was recently upset to learn that my new doctor, who I started going to specifically BECAUSE of her delivery method, is no longer going to be delivering babies. She was the last one in our area that believed in Natural Child Birth. Something that is important to me. I was informed by her office that, if I wanted to stay local, my only option now would be to have a midwife deliver at home. While I’m not totally opposed to that, since we live 10 minutes from the closest hospital, I was (am) still upset that she won’t be doing the delivery.

As I thought about this, I pulled more piece together. Four people I know were all pregnant and due relatively close to each other. The first, was going to have a natural childbirth, but I later found out ended up having a c-section due to complications. The next, ended up having a c-section. Then 2 more, within days of each other, 20 hours into labor, ended up having c-sections. Does anyone manage a natural labor anymore? Or do you get to a certain point in the delivery process and the doctors just make the call for you?

Being so pro-natural birth, I’m really bothered and actually worried about having a child. Since I will be new to this, when we eventually get pregnant, I’m nervous that I won’t have a choice about the birthing experience. I don’t want an epidural, I don’t want to be in labor and have someone tell me my time’s up (unless there’s a problem that requires medical intervention), I want to make the choices that feel right for me, my baby and my body. Do we rely too much on technology? Have we reached a point where we can’t even birth our own children anymore?

Love at First Sight

Someone has asked for my “love story” with my hubby, so here it is. It’s a long one, and I’m going to have to break it into parts so as to not overwhelm my readers.

JB_Great_America001Love At First Sight

I call it that, but neither of us knew that’s what it was. I met Brian in a hallway of our High School. We were introduced to each other by my boyfriend at the time, who also happened to be one of Brian’s best friends. There was something about Brian from the very beginning that had my attention, though I was already in a serious relationship at the time. We became fast friends and I was gladly accepted to the “group”. I got to hang out with him almost every day after school and during my Junior year (his Senior year) we had classes that were right next to each other, so we chatted in the halls frequently and even ended up on our Great America Field Trip together. Again, this was a totally platonic friendship we had, both of us were ignoring what other people thought was an obvious connection, but we were happily just hanging out.

During my last semester as a Junior I received 3 letters from Brian. As a close, close friend he was starting to notice that my boyfriend was treating me less than kindly and he had a growing issue with it. I was “happy” so I pushed it off. In the last of the three letters Brian admitted that he loved me in that way. I didn’t know what to say, I was in love with my boyfriend, how could Brian love me? It did not change our relationship though, I knew I still wanted to retain our friendship, so I never mentioned it to him.

A few months later Brian went off to college and though he was 3 hours away and I was in my Senior year of High School, I never stopped thinking of him. I only got to talk to him for 30 minutes every other month or so when I remembered to call him and I truly missed the friendship we had built. He came home for the summer and we saw each other a few times, but he had made new college friends that I didn’t know and our relationship was fading.

When he went back to school his 2nd year, we spoke even less and I had let my relationship with my boyfriend consume all of my time. The time between then and when he came home sick is a blur. I don’t remember anything from that gap about him and I. The clearest memory I have is when I found out he was home for an extended period of time his 3rd year into college. He had come home because he was really ill and was undergoing all sorts of tests to try and find a cause. I didn’t start spending any significant time with him until he was in the middle of his “recovery”. My boyfriend and I were drifting and I was finally starting to see what Brian had said in those letters 2 years earlier. Why it had taken me so long to see the abuse, well it’s the stereo-typical answer. I was only getting what I deserved and love is blind, so, so blind.

The more time I spent with Brian the more our friendship started to come back, much the chagrin of my boyfriend who was no longer speaking to Brian. It was just like old times with him and it was so comfortable. The more time I spent with him, the more I began to realize what my heart had felt all along.

One night as I was dropping Brian off at home, we were chatting in my car in his driveway. We were laughing about something or another and I was teasing him that I should just kiss him to see what he would do. He laughed and I did it. I hadn’t felt so many butterflies in my stomach in over 4 years (the time I’d been dating the other guy). I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but I am so glad I did.

Still being in a relationship I wasn’t happy with, I decided I needed to end it. We were moving in two very opposite directions and I wasn’t being treated like I deserved to be. Leaving him, though, would prove to be one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do (more on that in a separate post).

The night before I actually broke up with him, we had a huge fight and I ended up crying on the shoulder of Brian. He was always there for me, as ridiculous as half the stuff I went through was, he never judged me, just always consoled me. That night, we made love for the first time and it was the most wonderful thing. I know that means that I cheated on my boyfriend, but in my mind, my relationship with him was over months before that. That doesn’t make it right and I won’t forgive myself for not having a little more restraint.

The next part of the story is to be continued in another post…

Letting go of something you never had…


I’ve been having some health related issues recently, the largest one is now under control and I’m feeling much better. However, I had another “scare” recently, that brought some buried feelings to the surface. I woke up a week ago and realized that I was late…5 days late to be exact. I wasn’t worried about it, but since I had to call my doctor for something else anyway, I figured I’d mention it. She suggested waiting it out, it could be stress, I agreed and went about things as usual. When last Friday hit and I was then 9 days late, she suggested taking a test. Again I wasn’t panicked, I was sure that couldn’t be it (though there was a small possiblity it could have been it). One of my best friends was coming to stay at our place that night and I felt I should warn her of the next mornings activity, just in case she heard screams. She was excited and ready for her little girl to have a new friend. I warned though, that it may not be all excitement in our house at the results. She understood.

I stopped on my way home Friday night and spent 20 minutes staring at the shelves of pregnancy tests. (Side note: Why are there so many of those things to pick from? Seriously???) Anyway, after picking up and putting back several boxes, I decided on the one in the pretty pink box (First Response I believe). As I pushed my cart through the store picking up the remainder of the groceries I needed, I wondered how many people were staring into my cart and juging me and my little test. Why did I care, you ask? I couldn’t tell you. I’m married to a wonderful man, we have our very own house and both have full time jobs, it’s the “american dream” right? Still I felt like there was something wrong with me having it in my cart. I even did self-checkout so the cashier couldn’t stare at me and judge….

On my drive home I called the hubby to tell him that “doctors orders” were to take the test the next morning. He said “okay”, but I knew there was more behind that than he was letting on. We’ve had this conversation, more times than I can count. We both want a family, one of us is ready, the other is not. No matter how things went the next morning, one of us was going to get what we wanted and the other wasn’t. Looking back now, I think I understand some of the underlying crankiness I noticed was happening with him leading up to the actual test day. He was aware, as each day passed, that I was later and later, and the realization that we could now be 3 instead of 2 probably wasn’t sitting so well with him. There are things he wants to accomplish before we expand our family, things that are extremely important to him and are not (as) possible if there’s a newborn in the picture.

Saturday morning arrived and as the hubby and I woke up, we both looked at each other. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I knew what I had to do and I didn’t want to. I wasn’t really worried about the test results, it was his reaction that was keeping me from springing into the bathroom. He finally said “just get up and go do it” and I did. The next three minutes were hell, I was mentally torn about what I wanted that little stick to tell me. I sooo wanted to be a mommy, but my husband sooo did not want to be a daddy (yet). Do I go selfish and hope for a plus or resign myself to another year with no baby. I convinced myself when the test read negative that I was happy about it.

I walked back into our bedroom and laid down next to my husband. I didn’t say anything until he finally asked “well?”. “No baby” I replied, my heart sank a little, but again I didn’t let on. It was for the best, right? Only one of us was ready anyway. Even when I brok e the news to Nikki that morning, I was convincing myself that it was for the best this way. She was dissapointed (I could tell in her face), but she didn’t mention another thing about it the rest of the time she was there (thank you for that, btw).

I continued to hold a little hope as more days passed and I was still late, maybe the test was wrong. Maybe my level wasn’t high enough to be detected….maybe. This morning confirmed the test was telling the truth. I spent my car ride into the office convincing myself that it was okay, everything is as it should be. Afterall, it would mean serious financial juggling, more doctors appointments, I’m not sure if I have maternity leave at work and my hubby was still working toward a pre-baby goal. It’s just for the better this way…

My heart doesn’t feel like that though. When you strip it all down, take all the “fluff” away, I’m a lot more broken inside about it than I let on. I can’t explain this to my husband, as a woman, I just “feel” like I’m ready to be a mom. It hurts in a way words can’t describe. Holding my friends 2 week old baby on Saturday brought all of this even closer to the surface. Everyone kept saying “you look like you want one”, and I do. My hubby just rolls his eyes and shakes his head. I can’t expect him to understand and it’s not in anyway his fault that we aren’t on the same page.

There is something he’s working toward and it has to come before a baby does, unfortunately there is something I’m working toward and it can’t come until a baby does. It’s one hell of a crossroads to be at and I’m not sure what to do. I know I want to support him and it means a sacrafice on my part, but how do I make the hurting stop so I can be the supportive wife I want to be? Where do I put my feelings and thoughts, so they are tucked away far enough to not make me an emotional mess? And how do you let go of something you never even had?

First comes love, then comes marriage, then….you wait.

**Photo credit goes to @NikolSpencer**


I’m in the middle of putting my life in boxes. Part of me wants to hang on to things, part of me wants to purge and then there’s the part that wants someone else to come in and decide what I should keep and what I should let go of. I’m moving on to bigger (yay!) and better things in my life. I get to spend time in my own house, have all the privacy I’ve lived without for 27 years and know that my husband is coming home to me. These are happy things and I can’t wait, but I also can’t explain why part of me is still unsure…Maybe it’s the thought of failure, the idea of NOT making it on my own or maybe it’s just the change itself. I’m a creature of habit, it’s why I stayed in a bad relationship too long, why I didn’t quit my last job 3 years sooner, why I laugh at the same jokes over again, use the same catch phrases, love my family so much and still get warm fuzzies when I kiss my husband. It’s predictable (mostly), comfortable and safe…Those three things aren’t all bad, but when they make you uneasy of what the future holds, it’s a whole different ball game. I’ve got to get myself ready for adventure, the unknown and ready to grab life by whatever it’ll hand me. I’m going to enjoy this, whatever it is, wherever it leads. It’s my story to write and I’m armed with blank pages and an unending supply of ink.


Someday I’ll, someday we’ll, someday, someday, someday….How about today?

Someday you’ll leave everyone and come home to your wife when she tells you she’s lonely and misses you more than anything. Someday you’ll realize that taking one night away from working wasn’t too much of her to ask. Someday you’ll wish you had taken more days away from other things to spend time with her when she was lonely, because someday you’ll be lonely too.

I hate that word….

This is What We Fight For…

I voted this morning, normally this type of thing doesn’t make me feel any particular way. Today, the sun was shining, it’s 60 degrees in November and I walked out of the polling place with a smile. I haven’t felt this strongly about any political thing until this morning. I kicked ass…


P.S. Whoever created the image above – KUDOS to you!


I blew it yesterday and broke my “I’m going to write EVERY DAY” resolution…I suck, I know, but I was doing much more important things, lol, yeah right, who am I kidding?

I did however catch Wil Wheaton’s Criminal Minds episode last night. CREEPY…So realistically creepy in fact, that my geek crush got taken down a few notches. I am much more content thinking of him as a big geeky teddy bear, than a serial killing rapist…icky, icky, icky…

And I had a lovely conversation with SG. I miss her and my other friends. I find that I’m at home in front of my computer trying to connect too often these days. I’m craving some social time.


Okay ladies, you can all be totally jealous, but my husband kicks some major ass. I had a Chiropractor appointment tonight, which happens every other Tuesday and Brian goes with. Tonight we met, sat down and had our adjustments. After mine, Dr. G. said he wanted them to do some “soft tissue” work on my back, made sense to me b/c it had been really sore the past couple days. I walk back and one of the therapists takes my chart and walks me into a private room (odd b/c normally you just lay in a room with about 3 beds and they work on your sore spots there. She asks how I’m feeling, I say “fine”. She said, “it’s been a while since you’ve had therapy” I agree. She then says “Well you have a half-hour massage tonight” and smiles, then continues with “your husband bought it for you.” I was totally shocked caught off guard, super excited, but at the same time the first thought I had was “oh shit, I haven’t shaved in a week!”….

Needless to say it was one of the best things on this planet that I have experienced. To top that off I get 4 more! My next one is scheduled (with impeccable timing) for next Wednesday….I’ll be sure to shave this time :)

That’s What (True) Friends Are For…

I wander in the infinite internet, a lot. Poking in places, peaking behind curtains, uncovering rocks, generally sticking my nose anywhere and everywhere I can…I’m nosy like that. It has happened a couple times in my nosiness that I find things I wish I’d never seen. Witnessed some heinous violation of “proper conduct” in video, stared at a naked picture, or read something a (once) friend has written, that leaves me wondering why I’m still looking at it, or why I felt it necessary to check at all. Tiny moments that make me pause and say “is it really worth it?” 

As you have mentioned there are moments in life where you walk away and think “oh I should have…”. I’ve had several in my life, one of them was you. Somewhere the road fell from under my feet and I lost the ability to convey true feelings to you, that made me a shitty friend. I accept my failure. You, on the other hand, post hypocritical messages and continue to live your life through hypocritical actions. Good luck with that, one of us has learned from mistakes, we’ll see if the other ever catches on..